Attractive Men

For my dear friend Amy, to whom I sometimes feel like a mom, or at least a big sister: Attractive men can be a very mixed blessing.

The bottom line, however, has so much more to do with MY state of mind, my focus.

Years ago I learned about myself that I had two distinct approaches to life, love and romance.  What was interresting as well as disturbing is that when I am on my own, ‘single’, I am highly independent, creative, active in my community one way or another.  Attractive men in the usual sense of the phrase are enticing, and a huge distraction.

And that, dear Amy, revealed the chinks in my own personal armour.Highly attractive men had an effect on me like a hypnotist’s subject from the audience.

It wouldn’t be long before I fell under a spell and, as if in a trance, become a malleable, adoring puppy, following that guy everywhere, doing what ever he wanted to do.  And for at least 90 days the spell would hold.  Within that timeframe, however, I could have made all types of plans and arrangements with Adorable Guy, forgetting that I had a comlete and highly capable and developed life and purpose before he had arrived on the stage.

By about day 100 or so, someone or something would snap their fingers or count to 5 backwards and I would we released from my trace, only to find that my circumstances, key activities and people in my life would be different from how I’d left it before falling under the spell.

When variations on this theme, usually with more attractive men with other fine qualities as well, the spells would last far longer, more engaging activities would be adopted,  so eventually I thought my own projects should wait and I should just try and settle down.

therein lies the mixed blessing. Attractive Man and I wpuld do great until I realized that my’ single’  personality was meel and I was simply tossing me aside in order to ‘get on with my life’.

Even writing that it seems so innane, but you gals out there in CyberTown know precisely what I’m talking about.

Well, once having heard THAT bell ring, I was really in a quandry. It seemed impossible to reconcile the two distinct aspects of myself in relation to each other, let alone entertain the thought that some man would be able to relate to me once I figured it wll out.

In fact, there were one or two who tried but eventually they ended up exploiting my creative gifts and I experienced some pretty devastating damages.

Tough journey it turned out to be and I realized there must have been some missing links I needed to learn about. That was when the whole spiritual quest began in earnest.

I say in earnest because in retrospect the search began much much earlier than then, but it was more loke a form of entertainment of sorts.  This time it was in earnest because I was sensing my very life depended upon what I woild find.  It was true, and it was so. And it came to be that I had to elevate my ideas of what attractiveness meant. And that too was a an elusive process.

But, I assure you that this quest sought in earnestness was worth every millisecond.  The adventure included for me a diligence, careful detail and skill required of a field worker on an archeological dig.

Male attractiveness is very important.  It is part of our evolutionary responsibility. In the hands of hetero couples is the call to propagating our human species at a level capable of meeting the demands of survival and successful thriving for generations to come.

Bet ya never heard it that way before.  This is where the spiritual anchoring in God actually became the primary  subject.   All things being equal, Adorable Man also had to be Attractive Man, accessible, aware, able, articulate, affable, accountable.  Type A, I guess.

All that, yes. But I surely had to be willing to wait because what I cooked up was a ridiculously tall order. I needed God to wait too. It was then it became clear that the most attractive kind of man there was for me was one I could ultimately respect.

And that is was inspired my post on you FB timeline:

I really respect a man capable of truly humbling himself before the Lord. It is difficult for men, especially highly intelligent men to admit they do not know things and to seek wisdom from God. But, boy, THAT is very attractive. As a wife, I feel safe and honored when my husband does that in all areas of life. Tall order,  but worth it!

Love you Girl!!



3 thoughts on “Attractive Men

  1. And then there is the attractive woman syndrome. I engaged in this syndrome whenever I got the opportunity. So much of the early gyrations involved in satisfying sexual sensations are found in the world of chemical attraction. When those among us discover early on that they are able to use their physical attractiveness to command and dominate (get what they want) they tend not to develop the more important relationship skills necessary for long term commitments. Some of us can be spoiled rotten by being attractive. Some of us may end up crashing as a result. Attractiveness is not a coping skill. Our looks are the outer shell encompassing the more meaningful inside. Just as money is not the root of all evil; it is the love of money. Attractiveness is not the root of all relationship woes; it is the love of attractiveness, for both those that see it and those that own it. Advice from my mother (although unclear at the time) was very clear in the understanding that there is so much more required by the participants in a relationship than simply responding to sexual (chemical) sensations. Internal growth and personal commitment (as reflected in traditional marriage vows) are necessary ingredients to the survival of a relationship; mutual values, respect for self and others, recognition of both mutual and exclusive faults and the acceptance of these and other partnership foibles. We may come to relationships unprepared and with less than adequate coping mechanisms; yet armed with the desire to earn a spiritual relationship that works for us, we do manage to find our way through all the various quagmires of our first sensational attractions. We learn that looks eventually fade and that it is the essence of our personalities that endures; our willingness to put our loved ones ahead of ourselves, the acceptance of characteristics which irk us and which we cannot change, the need to escape acceptance of characteristics which irk us and which we cannot change, the need to escape from the bondage of self-pity or “poor me” reflections and the ability to engage in the glorious process of forgiveness of both self and others. We practice these humbling attitudes not just for the sake of others, but also for the sake of ourselves. There is something golden about the “golden rule”. Treat others as you would like to be treated. It is usually in practicing humility that we discover the coping methods we each need to live long and prosper; sometimes in spite of our enabling attractiveness.

    • So, indeed, there are many facets to successful relationships. As many risks, too. It is very important, and fascinating to see the equation from a male perspective. We women tend to think we are in these minefields alone; that it is our careless steps and distracted minds to blame for our relationships exploding. Wonderful contribution, dajohnson20. Thank you!

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